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Offline AshSimmonds

  • Geekitecht

  • Joined: Feb 2006

  • Drives: GF's shitbox :(
  • Location: Adelayed
  • Name: Humble Narrator
  • www: AshSimmonds.com
A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon.



Offline dodger

  • Tommy Gunna

  • Joined: Dec 2009

  • Location: Melbourne
ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different.... Two Different Versions.... Two Different Morals

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OLD VERSION
 
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
 
 The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..
 
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
 

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


MODERN VERSION
 
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
 
 The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
 
 Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
 
Channels 7, 9 and 10,the ABC and SBS show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
 
Australia is stunned by the sharp contrast.
 
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
 
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
 
Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Cardinal George Pell then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's  sake.
 
Prime Minister Rudd condemns the ant and blames John Howard, Robert Menzies, Capt James Cook, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.
 
Bob Brown exclaims in an interview on Today Tonight that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
 
 Finally, Labor in conjunction with the Greens draft the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
 
 The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confisca ted by the Government and given to thegrasshopper.
 
The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.
 
 The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
 
 The grasshopper is found dead in a drug rela ted incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.
 

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Be careful how you vote in 2011.



Offline Ferrari Fissatore

  • Soap Dodger

  • Joined: Jan 2007

  • Drives: its obsession
  • Location: under its skin
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.
 



Offline anotherforumuser

  • AE's voice of reason
  • Choose to take risks or settle for ordinary.

  • Joined: Sep 2010

  • Drives: A red car.
  • Location: Downunder



Offline Ferrari Fissatore

  • Soap Dodger

  • Joined: Jan 2007

  • Drives: its obsession
  • Location: under its skin
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.


He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'



The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?



We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."







Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the   instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Just got my latest water bill in---$350--- for one fuckn house??? Thieving barstards!
  I'm going to switch over to Oxfam who charge  only $3 a month to supply a whole village..apparently?                                        



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Shortly after her 11th birthday, Julie gets her first period.   Uncomfortable with talking to her parents about whats happening to her,   she decides to ask her little brother johnny. 'Whats wrong with me??'   she gasps, as she whips up her skirt to show him her bleeding tuppence.   Johnny scratches his chin for a moment and finally says "i'm no expert,   but it looks like someone's ripped yer balls off!!!!!!




Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom   could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old   physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's   examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was   wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the   testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do   to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the   cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope   with the doctor and explained the situation.
  After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four   conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar.   Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what   are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause...   The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see   whom she is having sex."
  "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is   having sex." "Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out   with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long   pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"
  The Pope replied
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  ."Big Tits"                                        



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the
  door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
  old red Massey Ferguson.
   
  Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off
  first the right welly, followed by the left.
   
  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
  lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over
  his corduroy trousers .
   
  Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
  tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat
  cap on to a pile of hay.
   
  ‘What on earth are you doing Mick?’ says Paddy.
   
  ‘Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me’ says a slightly
  embarrassed Mick, ‘but me and the Missus been having some trouble
  lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do
  something sexy to a tractor,’                                        




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