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Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Marriage is like a game of cards.

To start all you need are 2 Hearts and a Diamond.
In the end all you want is a Club and a Spade.



Offline dodger

  • Tommy Gunna

  • Joined: Dec 2009

  • Location: Melbourne
The Dole Office.

  A long haired Maori walked into the W'h'anganui Dole office to pick up his dole cheque.
 He marched straight up to the counter and said,
  'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'

  The girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.'
  'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
  chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
  in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
  escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to
  say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her
  sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
  A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc...
  located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
  is $200,000 a year. '

The Maori wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshitin' me! '




The Dole office worker replied, ' Yeah, well . ... You started it.'



Offline anotherforumuser

  • AE's voice of reason
  • Choose to take risks or settle for ordinary.

  • Joined: Sep 2010

  • Drives: A red car.
  • Location: Downunder
The Dole office worker replied, ' Yeah, well . ... You started it.'

Brilliant  :D :D :thumbsup:



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where   he is going at this time of night. The man replies,“I am going to a   lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
 
  The officer then asks,“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
  The man replies,“the wife.”
 
  .......................
 
  I saw a Muslim fundamentalist fall into the harbour this morning. Being a responsible citizen, I informed the emergency services.
  It's almost 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!
 
  I'm now starting to think I've wasted a flippin' stamp.
 
  ...........................
 
  Nintendo have brought out a new game where a 14 year old boy runs around   the streets of Glasgow smashing cars, stabbing people and robbing   houses.
  It's called Wii B@st@rd
 
  ..................................
 
  A man has been rushed to hospital after a bizarre sex game went wrong   leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his @rse.Doctors have described   his condition as " stable "



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jesse remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell a woman on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 litre of Listerine.
 
  As he  arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came  up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Jesse opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here"? Jerry said, "Does my breath smell like a woman"?    The dentist replied, "No, your forehead smells like shit."                                        



Offline dodger

  • Tommy Gunna

  • Joined: Dec 2009

  • Location: Melbourne
Mate, I just won a weekend for me and 6 mates on the Gold Coast through Triple M.
5 Star Hotel on the Beach ! all food, drinks and entertainment paid for.
I know it's short notice but if you're free on the 25th could you put my rubbish bin out ?



Offline M500


  • Joined: Apr 2008

  • Location:
  • Drives:
A blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell. They tested him on different types and he guessed right every time. To catch him out the secretary stripped her clothes off and lay naked on the floor with her legs open. He sniffed and said he wasn't sure, so he asked for the 'wood' to be turned over. He sniffed again and said, "Ya can't fool me, its an old shithouse door off a fishin' boat".



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Kate Middleton is the first person to have her finger in Diana's ring since Dodi Al Faye.                                        



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Good Things About Getting Older
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • People call at 9:00 p.m. and don't think it's strange to ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • Things you buy now won't wear out!
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • You can live without sex (but not your glasses).
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
  • Your eyes won't get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends (because they can't remember them either).
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
and...
  • You suddenly notice you can read this page, because it's in extra-large print.
 



Offline dodger

  • Tommy Gunna

  • Joined: Dec 2009

  • Location: Melbourne

            Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My  Life' by Bill Clinton .





            One student turned in the following book report,
            With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

            His cool teacher gave him an A+ for this report.

            Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
            Clinton  :..... Cost - $29.99

            Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
            Clinton  :... Over 3 hours to read

            Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
            Clinton  :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

            Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
            Clinton  :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

            Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
            Clinton  :.... Ditto for Bill..

            Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
            Clinton  :..... Ditto for Monica.

            Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
            Clinton  :... Let's not go there.

            Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
            Clinton  :..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

            Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
            Clinton  :.....     Clinton  doesn't remember Monica.

            Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
            Clinton  :..... Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

            Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
            Clinton  :...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing




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