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Offline dodger

  • Tommy Gunna

  • Joined: Dec 2009

  • Location: Melbourne
DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH :
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


SLOT MACHINES :
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY :
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
W hen you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO :
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER



Offline dodger

  • Tommy Gunna

  • Joined: Dec 2009

  • Location: Melbourne
MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank  reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this  is the Truth.!!)



1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.

 
 
 

 
 



Offline M500


  • Joined: Apr 2008

  • Location:
  • Drives:

--------
A friend of mine has started his own business making landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently prophets are going through the roof.



Offline Last_Ride


  • Joined: Sep 2007

  • Drives: a thing with 4 wheels
  • Location: VIC
  • Name: call me habib
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'

Mobile phones, don't you just love them
my car does 0-100 in 30 mins

http://www.flickr.com/photos/44014241@N03/



Offline Last_Ride


  • Joined: Sep 2007

  • Drives: a thing with 4 wheels
  • Location: VIC
  • Name: call me habib
Problem: There are 10 blondes and 1 brunette that were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They know that one of them will have to let go because the weight of all 11 of them would tear the rope and they would all die, so they argue back and forth for a few minutes till finally the brunette says she will let go.

But first she explained why she was doing it and said good-bye to all the blondes, in an emoitional type of way.

All the blondes were so touched that they started clapping.

Problem solved.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a blond came home from work and sat on her front steps, sobbing.

Her next door neighbor, whose name was Julie, went over to see what was

wrong. She said, "My mom died today waahhhhhh-hhhhaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!"

Julie invited her over for coffee untill she felt better. When she did

actually stop crying, she left and went to work the next morning. When

she came home she was sobbing... again. Julie went to see what was wrong...

again. And the blond said, "I called my sister (who was also blond)

today and she said that her mom died TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Wahhhhhhhh!!!
my car does 0-100 in 30 mins

http://www.flickr.com/photos/44014241@N03/



Offline AshSimmonds

  • Geekitecht

  • Joined: Feb 2006

  • Drives: GF's shitbox :(
  • Location: Adelayed
  • Name: Humble Narrator
  • www: AshSimmonds.com
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint.

What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.

What's brown and rhymes with 'Snoop'? Dr Dre.

Whats red and sticky? Another bloody stick.

You: Have you heard that joke about no and me neither? Them; No. You: Me neither.

Q: Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? A: He uses the highest quality ingredients.

A: Why can't Ray Charles read? B: Because he's blind? A: No, because he's dead.

Knock knock? Who's there? To. To who? To whom.

Have you noticed when you see geese flying and they're in a V pattern, often one side will be longer than the other? Do you know why that is? There are more geese on that side.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Q: What did Kermit the frog say when Jim Henson died? A: Nothing

3 horses walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot.

Me: Last night I saved a girl from getting raped at the bar!  You: Really! How?  Me: I changed my mind!

What's better than winning Gold in the Paralympics?  Walking.




Offline adam01


  • Joined: Nov 2009

  • Location:
  • Drives:
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. 
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."




Offline adam01


  • Joined: Nov 2009

  • Location:
  • Drives:
The kids reckon that I’m getting Alzheimer’s and the missus accused me of being Dyslexic in the wee hours of last Sunday morning.

She found me covering my dick with boot polish and said, “you idiot, you were supposed to turn your clock back”.

 




Offline RS


  • Joined: Feb 2008

  • Drives: AMG
  • Location: Sydney
Guy:Do ya wanna play da firetruck game?
Girl:How do ya play?
G:I run my fingers (fire truck) up yo legs and then U say red light when you want me to stop.
Girl:Ok, lets play.
*few seconds*
Girl:Red Light!
G:Firetrucks dont stop for red lights
Convict by heritage, Guilty by Choice



Offline alvchua


  • Joined: Aug 2009

  • Drives: Old junks
  • Location: Adelaide
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...
Forgiveness is easier to achieve than permission!




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