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Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Lady at the dentists says. "I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth out."
 
"Well please make your mind up, I'll have to adjust the chair." replied Arthur.



Offline looney


  • Joined: Mar 2007

  • Drives: VW Beetle
I met a girl the other day who had a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh.  I asked her why, and she said

"If you put your ear against it you can smell the ocean"



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
In days of old they didn't let women swim in the ocean but the smell still got into the fish.



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
A plane is about to crash, a female passenger gets up and shouts out 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman' with that she rips of all her clothes and shouts 'Is there a someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman ?'
 
A young man stands up and takes off his shirt revealing a well toned torso, he throws the shirt at the woman and says. . . . . . 'Here Luv. .  .Iron this.                                 



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
This morning I was beaten up by a well endowed woman in the lift.

I was trying not to stare at her tits but then she said "would you please press one"

So I did.

I don't remember much after that.



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali.

Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Mississauga and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.... 



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
When a feminist asked me recently, "How do you view Lesbian relationships?"

Apparently, "Preferably in 4K Ultra HD" was NOT the answer she was looking for.



Offline dodger

  • Tommy Gunna

  • Joined: Dec 2009

  • Location: Melbourne
On Saturday I caught a mate of mine smearing boot polish all over his old feller.

I said, "No you fuckwit, you were supposed to turn your clock back!"



Offline dodger

  • Tommy Gunna

  • Joined: Dec 2009

  • Location: Melbourne
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
 
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
 
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live’. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
 
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
 
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.  Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough  I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'