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Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Fact: Dogs can't operate an MRI machine.

Cats can.



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Racism

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why  did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied,
"Because this is a Motorbike shop."



Offline Joey


  • Joined: Mar 2015

  • Drives: Alfa Romeo GTV6 Grand Prix, 1976 Alfetta, Alfa 159ti 1750tbi, Alfa Romeo GTV6 3litre 1998
  • Location: Sydney
Racism

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why  did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied,
"Because this is a Motorbike shop."

🤣🤣 Gold!!



Offline mondi

  • Resident Bogan
  • Moderator

  • Joined: Jul 2008

  • Location:
  • Drives:
Hot and Cold Sex
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good
health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am
usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually hot and sweaty.
" Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to
her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually
cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and
sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?
"* "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is in December."



Offline dodger

  • Tommy Gunna

  • Joined: Dec 2009

  • Location: Melbourne
Hot and Cold Sex
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good
health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am
usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually hot and sweaty.
" Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to
her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually
cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and
sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?
"* "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is in December."

That deserves an LOL



Offline Joey


  • Joined: Mar 2015

  • Drives: Alfa Romeo GTV6 Grand Prix, 1976 Alfetta, Alfa 159ti 1750tbi, Alfa Romeo GTV6 3litre 1998
  • Location: Sydney
This Huge lady lets say approx. 300kg wakes up one morning with chronic stomach pains. She says "I better go see the Doc and see what's wrong".

She enters the Doctors surgery and says -
Lady - "Hello Doc, I have really severe stomach cramps what's wrong with me?"
Doc - "mmmm interesting um ok please get up and go next to the window and get on all 4's" She's thinking what the Hell!! oh well he's the doctor.
Doc - "ok please crawl over next to the pot plant mmmmm ok, back up alittle next to the side table"
Doc - "Ok get up please and sit down"
Lady - "Ok so Doc what's wrong? why the cramps"?
Doc - Cramps? oh sorry I'm buying a rather large lounge next week and I'm deciding where to place it!.



Offline Horse

  • Hung like Einstein

  • Joined: Apr 2006

  • Location: Brisbane



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
At the Barbers.       
                                       
Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagineÖ As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty. 

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.       
                   
The Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel.Ē       
         
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?Ē       
         
Barack replied, "Go right ahead My wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".       
                           



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY

I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was: "Working on aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel, under a constrained environment."
I was impressed...Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.



Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Received this email today.
Quote
From: Dodger [mailto:dodger@gunna.may.be]
Sent: Monday, June 26, 2017 5:45 AM
To: PA
Subject: Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
 
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Ė Age Activated  Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the  driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch  table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the  garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out  the garbage first.
But then I think, since Iím going to be near the mailbox when  I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is  only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go  inside the house to my desk where I find the glass of wine Iíd been drinking.
Iím going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push  the wine aside so that I donít accidentally knock it over.
The wine is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the  refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the wine, a vase of flowers  on the counter catches my eyeĖthey need water.
I put the wine on the counter and discover my reading  glasses that Iíve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them  back on my desk, but first Iím going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container  with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen  table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, Iíll be  looking for the remote, but I wonít remember that itís on the kitchen table, so  I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first Iíll water the  flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it  spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and  wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was  planning to do.
At the end of the day: the Lexus isnít washed the bills  arenít paid there is a warm glass of wine sitting on the counter the flowers  donít have enough water, there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book, I  canít find the remote, I canít find my glasses, and I donít remember what I did  with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, Iím  really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day, and Iím really  tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and Iíll try to get  some help for it, but first Iíll check my e-mailÖ.
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because  I donít remember who the hell Iíve sent it to.
Donít laugh ó if this isnít you yet, your day is coming!
What has me bemused is, who still uses a cheque book?




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