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Offline adam01

  • Joined: Nov 2009

  • Location:
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I just read an article on the dangers of drinking which scared the crap out of me.  So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

Offline RS

  • Joined: Feb 2008

  • Drives: AMG
  • Location: Sydney
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking which scared the crap out of me.  So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

Convict by heritage, Guilty by Choice

Offline PA

  • One man comedy gala

  • Joined: Jan 2008

  • Location: www.club-carbon.com
Last week, she checked into the caravan park in  Bundaberg Queensland in   a cabin and was a bit  lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men   you see  advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual  massages."   She looked through the phone book, found a full  page ad for a guy   calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome  man with assorted   physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in   all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling   smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a   sixpence off his well oiled  bum.... You get the picture. She figured,   what the  heck, I'll give him a call.
  "Good evening, ma'am, how may I  help you?" ..  . . Oh my, he sounded   sooo sexy! Afraid  she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she   rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to   come to  my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with    you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I  want it   hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring  implements, toys, rubber,   leather, whips , everything you've got in  your bag of  tricks. We'll   go hot and heavy all night -  tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and   whipped cream, anything  and everything, baby. Now how does that    sound?"
  He said, "That sounds absolutely  fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside  line."
  =========================== Boom Boom ==========================================
  At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
  A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
  The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
  They gave him a glass to drink.
  He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north   slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.
  "That's correct", said the boss.
   Another glass....
  "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels,   matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
   A third glass...
  ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
  The director was astonished.
  He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
  She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
  The alcoholic tried it.
  "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
  =========================== Boom Boom ==========================================
  The Irish Millionaire
  The Irish Millionaire
  Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
  and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
  "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
  "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
  Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
  "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
  "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
  a) Sparrow,
   b)  Thrush,
   c) Magpie,
  d) Cuckoo?"
  "I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
  ''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."
  Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
  repeated the question to him.
  "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
  "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
  "Are you sure?"
  "I'm fookin sure."
  Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
  "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
  "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
  "Dat it is."
  There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
  "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
  The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
  "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
  “Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"                                        

Offline adam01

  • Joined: Nov 2009

  • Location:
  • Drives:

How to Start a Fight

  One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
 Christmas gift...
 The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I
 replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
 And that's how the fight started.....
 My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
 in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
 She didn't even look at me this time, simply
 saying, 'Yes..'
 So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 And that's when the fight started...
 I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
 order first.
 "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
 He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
 "Nah, she can order for herself."
 And that's when the fight started.....
 My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
 she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
 a nearby table.
 I asked her, "Do you know him?"
 "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to
 drinking right after we
 split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
 "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
 And then the fight started...
 When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
 that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
 take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
 more important to me..
 Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
 home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
 with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
 I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was
 gone only a minute, and
 when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
 I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
 The doctors say I will walk again, but I will
 always have a limp.
 My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping
 channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
 I said, "Dust."
 And then the fight started....

Offline adam01

  • Joined: Nov 2009

  • Location:
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Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him to have his way…take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Offline TEZZA

  • Those Frenchies seek him everywhere

  • Joined: Oct 2011

  • Drives: No matter what it is I am still lusting after something better.
  • Location: In a sunny place

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me. Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men. In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her! I'm Going Crazy. What Do You Think I Should Do?" "Relax," Says The Doctor, "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down. Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"


Offline adam01

  • Joined: Nov 2009

  • Location:
  • Drives:
Good English for good sex

I was given a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a specialist sex therapist who is rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to her, handedthe certificate to the doctor, and wondered what would happen next.

She (very nice lady too), methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged but on thinking about it, turned to her and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your wife must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the potion will not work again for another year."

You can imagine how anxious I was to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in our bedroom.
When she came in, I stripped off and said quietly, "1-2-3!"

Wow. Immediately, I had become the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes too, but then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Offline Last_Ride

  • Joined: Sep 2007

  • Drives: a thing with 4 wheels
  • Location: VIC
  • Name: call me habib

Offline adam01

  • Joined: Nov 2009

  • Location:
  • Drives:
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.  Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the Salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam. If you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

Offline dodger

  • Tommy Gunna

  • Joined: Dec 2009

  • Location: Melbourne

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